I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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