i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
