Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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