The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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