I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
