my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
