I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
