I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
