Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
