you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm just crazy horny about you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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