That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
