Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
