I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
