there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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