Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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