oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
