3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
