My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
