My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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