hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
