Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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