Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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