The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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