I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
