My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
