my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize