My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Randomize
