She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
