Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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