is your mom at the bar?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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