does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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