Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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