Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
