After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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