matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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