this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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