so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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