that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
