there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You pole danced in your parka.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Randomize
