genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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