my phone needs a breathalizer
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
