if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
