And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
