Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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