I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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