all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize