U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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