u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
