My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
