dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
