I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
