Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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