Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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