god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize