I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
