sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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