I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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