If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize