Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
