Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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