; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize