he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
