I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
