you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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