just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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