Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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