so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
