I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
