Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize