hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
