I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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