My brain says no but my pants say off.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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