today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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