Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
