guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
