If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
