I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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