My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
