Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
4 words: hood of his car
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize