Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
