If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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